i am alt lit

80.9 :: ‘three years’ edited by buttercup mcgillicuddy

80.9 :: ‘three years’ edited by buttercup mcgillicuddy // self-published, 2012

mostly this is gchat
b/w buttecup mcgillicuddy & tao lin
from like 2009-2012
seems really ‘focused’ on 2009
seems really unintentionally ‘humorous’
sense of ‘awe’ or something
like buttercup has crashed tao lin’s gchat party
like he took a ‘chance’ or something

//

tao: damn, yeah
just checkin in on who you are, gonna go ‘chill’ now
good night ‘scra’

me: oh
damn, seems sweet
‘night’ bro
don’t think i know what ‘scra’ is bro
googled it
seems like a military thing
damn, it’s a ‘vegan thing’
seems really sweet
have fun bro

//

seems like this is the best correspondence i’ve read
since one of tao’s last ‘letters’
‘the brandon book crisis’
it’s one ‘heck’ of a ‘photoshop thriller’
seems ‘underappreciated’ in the muumuu house ‘canon’

//

in this piece
tao is ‘uncertain’ of how much to engage
or encourage
he defers his answers
with nice passive ‘slights’

me: ‘curious’ if you are going to put up any more literature on the muumuu house blog soon
tao: damn
seems like no
keep hitting it up though, you never know
when something might ‘pop up’ ‘unexpectedly’
me: damn
tao: comment on my blog sometimes so i remember to look at your blog
me: okay
‘will do’ i guess

//
buttercup ‘uses’ his forum with tao as
to seek possible ‘validation’ for his more
‘out there’ ideas

‘example’:

tao: sweet
im pretty depresed
just gotta keep goin or something
me: might become an activist
i feel like all activists have to do is blindly stand for something
feels like it requires less effort mentally

that tao ‘doesn’t respond’ to his activist call may cause
buttercup to not pursue that path so ‘readily’

//

in addition to seeking ‘career boosterism’ et al
buttercup also seeks ‘lifestyle validation’
in his blog choices and how he responds to upbringing

seems like this is the ‘funniest’ exchange possibly ‘ever’:

me: yeah bro
i sort of ‘don’t give a shit’ about anything but ‘art’
and my parents are evangelical christians
tao: jesus
me: i don’t want to ‘vent’
but i feel like shit most of the time
it does seem funny
tao: seems sweet

almost can never ‘stop’ ‘snickering’ at the evangelical christians/jesus joke
almost can’t get past the “feel like sh** most of the time” / ‘seems sweet’ response
as if feeling like sh** is the only right/valid/perfect response to ‘life’

//

seems like tao ‘warms up’ to buttercup’s inquiries eventually
but not on a personal level
instead he starts dispensing ‘writing advice’ more so than engaging buttercup
in ‘feelings’ etc.

tao: have oyu submitted to lit journals
me: i submitted to one­story with brandon
tao: sweet
me: i haven’t done it before that
tao: submit to some random ass shitty lit journals
me: damn
just googled ‘literary journal’
tao: sweet
just click things in my sidebar
me: found an alphabetical list of shitty ass liy journals
tao: to see wher eive been published
submit to places me and brandon have
been published in
me: sounds sweet
thanks bro
good advice bro
tao: just gotta play the lit game or osmething

seems like a really “professional response” from tao
like he possibly could have “copied and pasted” this advice
from another gchat or from a hundred gchats that he has
at the same time

like you know
a waiter talking to an actress in a bar or something
about life goals or “what they’re working on”

//
July 09
seems to be the ‘climax’
tao asks buttercup about megan boyle

to see what ‘benefit’ buttercup has for him

seems like ‘megan’ and buttercup know one another

some ‘solid’ editing from buttercup
to show his pleas
and tao’s lack of response
possibly tao is too depressed to respond

tao: feeling severely depressed right now

or possibly that is his natural ‘defense mechanism’ to get ppl to leave him alone
though tao says it was ‘nice to meet’

seems like something from IRL is missing in this place
seems like buttercup & tao become ‘more strained’
seems like buttercup is ‘unsure’ how to relate to tao now when ‘SFAA’ has been ‘released’
seems like tao is unsure how to relate to ppl now when ‘SFAA’ is released
//
at one point buttercup introduces his mom into the ‘gchat’
seems odd
//
seems really ‘emotional’ & ‘serious’ when buttercup is unsure of tao/zachary

me: are you or zachary trying to shit­talk my blog? or is it someone else?
i can see the IP via statcounter
seems funny if it is one of you bros
me: i’m not ‘resentful’ but feel really confused
tao: no
i dont know who

there is no ‘resolution’ to this
except just a ‘strained conversation’
//
towards the end of 2009
‘buttercup’ makes more desperate pleas to be published by tao

me: bro
how do i get published by muumuu house
do you not like my poetry
i feel alone
hehe
tao: don’t feel ‘left out,’ i think
i’ve known all the people i publish on muumuu house for, like, years
me: oh, damn
ok
i don’t feel left out
tao: just ‘keep going’

//
perhaps buttercup ‘changes’ his mind about
being left out
b/c he is now talking with tao
//
i like this:

me: can you get hipster cred by being absolutely unintentionally insanely ironic
‘ironically gambling with your life/livelihood’
tao: unsure what you’re talking about

//
though the emails go into 2010 & 2011 & 2012
seems like 2009 is the ‘height’ of the buttercup/tao relationship
not sure what the status of their relationship is now
if they’re ‘friends’ or ‘barely talk’
seems like buttercup ‘positioned’ himself well
for the height of the muumuu house ‘bubble’
didn’t quite ‘work’
seems like this probably isn’t the only conversation like this
like 10s or 100s of ppl tried to get ‘published’ on muumuu house
this ‘denial’ has probably given ‘rise’ to the alt lit scene
in new journals
in new websites
in inspired tweets
//
this document feels ‘really important’
b/c of its honesty
b/c of its skewed look at tao’s ‘rise’
b/c of its example of ‘rejection’ that possibly has ‘fueled’ others
b/c of its inadvertent glimpse at ‘tao/megan’ circa 2009-2010
b/c of lessons learned by buttercup or something

seems sweet.